To The Other Half Of My Chromosome

It’s Her Majesty’s birthday tomorrow and I still don’t know what I should give her. The parents really doesn’t give a damn about objects that aren’t regarded as Useful, Healthy And/Or Cheap. Jewellery, flowers, chocolate and stuffed paraphernalia do not fall under this category so in the realm of Useless-Overpriced-Presents-For-Women, we are screwed. When I was 10, we bought her a necklace for Mother’s day and she never wore it. Although now that I’m old enough to think, I do suspect that it’s more to do with the tackiness of wearing something that says “#1 Mother!” as opposed to not liking shiny things.

It’s a blessing, really. I save a lot of money every year on their birthdays.

So for this year I need something that says:

Your Majesty,

It is I, your first offspring (also known as your migraine). It goes without saying that if you hadn’t been alive for the last __insert_number_of_your_choice__ years, neither would I. Thank you for the 36 hours of labour, the last 17 years of madness and the 13 years of tuition fees. I am forever indebted to you… and you know it.
Although I am a carbon copy of my father - and sometimes I think that terrifies you - I hope to god that I would at least inherit your low blood pressure.

So here’s to another year of your neverending patience, your vitality, your wisdom and your light - without which I know my life would cease to be as beautiful as you are - even with your wrinkles and all.

With love,

Your 17-year-old ball and chain.

p.s. Wrinkle cream too expensive. Must wait till I’m employed ok?

Now…. what on earth says all that for $1.95?