Terms of Endearment.

In the language of affection, we tend to call our significant others by other names. It’s part of baby talk I guess. The classics are:

“”baby” “babe” “honey” “sexy” “darling” “dear” “sweetheart” “cutie”

Tried and tested, they work. I used to be the kind to puke a little in my mouth but now I use it liberally for irony, affection and for a very useful function: I tend to forget the name of the person that I am talking to. A nickname hastily bestowed works just as well.

“babe, could you pass me that knife? I think he’s still breathing.”

Use it. People love it, girls and boys alike. They lap it up. You want to know my favourite?

Muffin.

It’s infectious. Though you may laugh at me, you secretly love it when i call you that.

It all started with Malin. Whenever I complain to him about Something, he’d shoot me an ironic “aww muffin” and I’d dissolve in a puddle.  So I’ve been using it for years now and it never fails to affect you. It’s catching on too. Try it. It’s more captivating than calling someone a cupcake, a donut, a biscuit or a cheesecake. I don’t know why.

Affix the word to masculine things:
studmuffin, gangster muffin, military muffin, criminal muffin.

And it works just as well
and you’re under my spell.

As a rule of thumb, anything smaller than a toaster can be used as a term of endearment.

Think cookie, not baguette.

Think buttercup or daisy, not rafflesia.

Think hummingbird, ladybug, wren or robin not stegosaurus or anteater or ostrich.

Generally tiny woodland animals, fruits and dessert work to great effect. Refrain from using amphibians and I recommend marsupials. Try to avoid names of electrical appliances. Calling someone a tool is hardly romantic no matter how accurate that metaphor might be. Mushroom and cabbage are hardly sexy, unless you say it in french (mon champignon! mon chou!). I’ll come up with more guidelines later.

Got it?

Good.