Why I Am Single.

“You should count yourself lucky. Some parents want their kids to get married as soon as possible. They demand grandchildren from you. We won’t pressure you. If you get married that’s great. If you don’t, that’s okay.”

I’m committing this in writing just in case 10 years down the road you start setting me up with weird men you think will be good for me. I like kids a whole lot. I would not procreate without knowing that I have the mental capacity to feed and rear them well enough through their bratty childhood years, taking the best care not to psychologically damage them as adults. You’ve raised me well enough to be careful which means you’re going to have to wait

…. for a very long time.

Oh no, this isn’t a personal ad.
That is a personal ad.
This is a consolation.

You see, my parents unlike some parents believed that I should be dating as much as possible. Crazy huh? But on one condition: do not get into committed relationships too soon. While other parents worry about their children turning into slutty vixens, my parents never had that problem with me.

Let’s just say I’m a very late bloomer.

Still blooming in fact.

bloom bloom bloom

I never really exercised that freedom. I was never the Pretty One. It’s not a bad thing, after a while. Having gone through years of being overlooked, getting male attention was never my forte or interest. I cultivated a backbone, a personality, a sense of humor and a dash of spunk to make up for my lack of looks. I’m great at plenty of other things like.. well… lots… like.. um.. my elbows are funky.. and.. uh I’m just too humble to list them all out right now. Clearly, that’s not what boys are looking for, really. Having sturdy backbones gets in the way of things but you know you wouldn’t have it any other way.

See, there’s a crafty strategy. Raise your kids well enough to be independent twerps with strange interests and you will never ever have to fend off creepy boys who will break her heart. She may have a bevy of platonic male friends but they’re never close enough, not in that way. She’ll be busy hatching her next plan to take over the universe. Granted, she may have odd delusions of grandeur but she’ll be okay really. She’d still be a well-adjusted member of society.

But sometimes she can’t help but feel like she’s missing out on something that everyone is talking about. A little overrated, sure, but apparently it can be something great given the right company.

“Right and unlike other parents instead of kids and fiance you want master degrees and PhDs. Oh. Lucky me.”

Bro: “Isn’t that easier for you?”

Great, thanks bro. You can get me a kitten for my birthday. I might as well get a head start now.