Takdir & Ikhtiar.

One day you feel happy. The next day you’re … purposeful? Jaws clenched with a vision and a list of things to do. And the day after that, you wake up from some hazy nightmare and you are a small colourless unwanted mess stitched entirely out of flaws. Sometimes, I feel like a speck of dirt. I am a grain of sand. Scary thoughts. Bright ideas. They tend to blur and race past each other and the next thing you know, tears are welling up in your eyes before you can stop them while you’re in the middle of the hawker center. They stare at you, confused and you feel like curling up into a ball under the covers. You realise with a mixed sense of alarm and comfort that the only people who knows the contents of your head lately are your parents. In a hasty mishmash of snot, english and bahasa indonesia, it pours out into their vessels.

Afterwards, I realise how incredibly blessed I am to have parents like them.

“Enough. It’s easier if you don’t think about it too much.”

Okay.

I surrender. To everything.
With Ikhtiar comes the acceptance of Takdir and All.
Let me have the strength again to let it all in.
thank you thank you thank you for your patience to put up with my insolence.

Bear with me, I’ll get better, perpetually a work-in-progress.

.

I stumbled on to Regina Spektor’s The Call. It soothes. Kina did a great cover. I think it’s a song about coming home.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
‘Til it was a battle cry
I’ll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything’s changing
Doesn’t mean it’s never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You’ll come back when it’s over
No need to say goodbye

You’ll come back when it’s over
No need to say goodbye

Now we’re back to the beginning
It’s just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can’t feel it too
Doesn’t mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
‘Til they’re before your eyes
You’ll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You’ll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye